Monday, August 29, 2011

What's on my heart...

So today I planned on posting about this amazing new challenge in my life. A good challenge. A happy one.

But instead I'm not.

Life, seriously.
It just keeps knocking me down.
I'm feeling angry and upset and hurt and frustrated.

My faith is being tested. My mouth is being tested. My friendship is being tested.
Although, I'm not entirely sure there is much of a friendship left.

I'm supposed to be in my best friends wedding in October. By best friend I mean the girl I lived with for 2 years and the girl who used to finish my sentences. Now I'm questioning what I did or didn't do. Because this friendship is teetering on the verge of ending and I'm completely heartbroken.

My first mistake came when I even agreed to be in her wedding. I should have said no.
She is not marrying a Christian man.

"Stop forming inappropriate relationships with unbelievers. Can right and wrong be partners? Can light have anything in common with darkness?"- 2 Corinthians 6:14

It's black & white in the Bible. DO not marry non-believers. My "friend" feels as though she is going to be the one that leads her "mate" to Christ. I thought that was possible until she got engaged. That changed it. Now she is about to enter into a partnership that does not honor God. I have told her how I felt, long before she got engaged. I expressed my concern immediately following her engagement, but yet I said yes.

I said yes because I'm selfish. I'm weak.
I felt like I was such good friends with her that I absolutely had to be part of her wedding.
And now I am being treated so poorly. I am being accused of stealing her day and being difficult and complaining.

Let me rephrase that, I am being accused of stealing her day because I have been asking questions and wanting to learn details of her special day, while offering help.
I have been accused of being difficult because I refuse to dance in a seductive way with a stranger during her choreographed wedding party dance.
I am being accused of complaining because I only have one working car and can't rearrange my only income to attend dance practice. And because I won't be able to make it to the beginning of her bachelorette party.

All the while being told that I am the only one causing this type of problem. Which makes me the only one getting her wrath. Yet in talking to other bridesmaids I find that they all feel similar.

What do I do?

I tried calling her in the mist of text messaging and she ignored my phone call.
I called her a month ago and she never called me back.

When I tell her that I don't want to fight or argue through texts, she says she has nothing more to say.
So does that mean I just stop?

Of course I called my mom. She told me that my heart has never been fully in this and that maybe this is God's way of giving me the chance to express one more time how I feel about the union and then bow out of being in the wedding
I just can't give anymore.
I'm exhausted from trying.
I'm tired of the tears. Tears over losing such a special friendship.
Pain over ending something that has meant so much to me for so much of my adult life.

I can't help but think of Francesca Battistelli's new song, Motion of Mercy.

"Living for the lost
Loving 'til it hurts
No matter what the cost
Like You loved me first
That's the motion of mercy

God give me strength to give something for nothing,
I wanna be a glimpse of the Kingdom that's coming soon."

Should I be loving til its hurts? Loving my friend til it hurts?
Because it hurts. Right now. It hurts.
The cost is our friendship, something that I'm seeing means more to me than her.
I have been praying for a change. A change in both of our hearts.
My husband sees my pain. He is my partner, my priority. I value his opinion. I respect his advice.
He knows my friend, he knows she has changed. He tells me I should walk away.

How do I do that?

I'm asking you, my friends, to pray for me. I'm struggling so much.
 I plan on calling her until she answers, but then what?
Do I tell her how I feel & end this?
Or do I bite back everything I believe & feel & try saving our friendship?

Sorry for this. Sorry for rambling. Sorry for asking this of you.
I just feel so sick. Of all of this.
I can't continue to feel so horrible when I think about this situation.
I need something.
Something to change.


Jess said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I was in one of my best friends weddings and I didn't agree with the marriage, I knew she had changed, and I didn't like a lot of what the wedding was about. She didn't ask anything crazy of me (dancing with people I don't know...seductively ugh) but she was not a happy bride she was very angry if everything wasn't perfect. I went along with it even though my heart wasn't in it. Even now our friendship has faded but I do know it meant a lot to her that I was there and she has since expressed gratitude for me being in the wedding. My advice is do what is best for you! It sounds like if you stay or go it's going to be a rough road ahead. Continue to talk with your mom and your husband...they know you best. Sometimes their advice is the best even if we don't want to hear it. Talk to her and continue to pray. I will pray for you and your friend for a resolution and happiness.

Janine said...

I hate to hear that something so beautiful can turn so ugly, your friend truly doesn't see the error in her ways. I think you really need to pray harder and more diligently, the answer will come. Maybe the answer has already come and it might be hard to listen. Happiness will come, it will, it just might take some time.

Gladys said...

Oh honey...I'm so sorry this has happened to you...I agree with Jess keep on talking to your husband and mom about this situation...they are the ones that know you best...and the ones that could offer you the best advice. You are in my prayers sweetie...have a blessed week. :)

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